Today, in my early 40's, I am an internationally published new age author n' artist. The thing about us writers and artists is that many of us get our strength from the pain we are drowning in, and we turn it into something amazing... something powerful... something significant.
Sometimes, I admit, I fear that I will lose my ability to create with words, if I am not living in pain. But that's a very nonsensical attitude to have. While art (in its many forms) can portray the darker side of life, it also has the ability to enlighten us with its radiant beauty.
From an early age, I wanted to write. Somewhere (probably long since lost) there is a picture of a six-year-old me with a giant dictionary across my lap just taking in the words. I was never a storyteller, but I could make a picture come to life in your mind with my poetry.... but just in case I couldn't, I also had a talent for drawing.
My first impressive artwork was a pencil sketch I did on my bedroom wall when I was 15. A six-foot-by-six-foot area, a wolf head howling at the moon. Even today, the thought of it catches my breath -it was Amazing! However, a year later I left home, and my bedroom soon became the nursery for my younger sister's baby. The walls were painted over in a deep purple... And my wolf was lost forever.
A couple years later I received an editor's choice award from the International Library of Poetry, for a poem I wrote about my Chemistry class in High School. After receiving my award, I dropped out of Chemistry. Science was not my thing. I confess that I wish I had been able to focus more on my English classes and studied my vocabulary more, but it is what it is. And here is where I am now.
I wrote my first book, a young adult poetry book, after my first son was born. Writing and editing between feedings and sleepings. And then, I published a children's book after my second son was born. Both titles are now out of print.
A few years later, looking for hope, faith and love, I started diving into spirituality. I found myself writing for a children's e-magazine, which helped me build a foundation and gain the attention of a publishing company out of PA. With them I published two children's workbooks and a set of children's tarot cards -under the penname, Rayne Storm. Additionally, I went on to self-publish three more workbooks, on my own.
I no longer have a contract with that publishing company. We both went in different directions, and in the end it's for the best. I had a lot of life to deal with. Plus, my boys were growing up, and writing children's books didn't have the same appeal anymore.
Over the last few years, I have dabbled in different areas, always thinking I was on the right path. And how could I not be? I made it my mission to help as many people as I could -from my own experiences. But then I began to feel like a fraud and a hypocrite. I was falling back into old patterns, I was gaining weight, I was struggling with anxiety... I just felt like I was a mess, that I was no good to others or myself... I didn't feel like I knew myself anymore.
So, it was time... Time to sit down and have another heart to heart with myself. To find out what I was doing and why... or rather what I wasn't doing and why. As I thought about it, I realized that what I was doing wasn't for the right reason... it was a good reason... but not the right one for me. I wasn't doing what I needed to be doing for me, for the person I was.
Whatever we are drawn to most... what we enjoy doing the most... that's what we should pursue. Whatever gets you up at four in the morning to work on because you can't sleep until you do... THAT! That is what you should be doing. I know that now.
Would I love to help others transform their lives as a Holistic Lifestyle Coach and Reiki Practitioner? Hell, Yes! But it was four a.m., I was up, and all I wanted to do was grab my sketchbook and a pencil and just let the lines do the talking, in the quiet hours of the morning.
I wasn't up sketching to create something that would accompany a blogpost... nor would it be the basis for an art video... I was sketching to go within myself and draw out the creativity that was knocking... banging to be let out -so I could enjoy its company.
I have always wanted to be an author and artist. Yet here I was trying to be a coach and healer. I could not for the life of me understand why I was doing that. I mean I do... but what I was doing wasn't allowing me -to be me... I had veered so far from the truth of myself.
I am happiest when my words are dancing across the page. I am happiest when they invoke strong feelings within someone. I am happiest when my art is appreciated, in the way it was intended to be. I am happiest when I create something that turns out better than I imagined it would ever be.
The thing about me is that, at the end of the day, I am distinctly me. I am a limited edition. I am an empath and a vegetarian. I am a wife, and the mother of two incredibly wonderful boys. And no matter how much I wish I could save the world; my superpower is not in coaching or healing others... my superpower is in my creativity.
While I list writing and drawing as my top two areas of creating... they are by no means the only areas of focus. I enjoy paper mâché, silhouette and 3D murals, quilting, sculpting, photography... and more. I have an abundance of creativity that flows through me, in my words, my art and even my projects. So much so that I have been known to bleed ink, bruise in graphite, and fall prey to blotches of paint.
And really, that is all you need to know about me. But if you have any questions or thoughts, you can always send me an email and I will do my best to respond.